Ramblings of a Wrestling Fan: The Ozzy Edition

I’m back with another exciting rendition of Ramblings of a Wrestling fan. Boy has it been a trying week for me as I was a victim of several vicious shark mark attacks. I mean really. I don’t have a problem with people being marks but there’s that fine line between being a good mark and being an idiot. (Stupid Spotmonkey Jeff Hardy fans and Bitter Bret Hart marks)

But never mind that. I’m smarter than all of the marks in the cyber world and if they don’t like it, I got two words for them – shove it. (DX, you definitely won’t be getting me for gimmick infringement or anything else for that matter.)

Guest Hosts

Vintage Book Plugs (Credit: WWE)

This past Monday Night’s Raw was hosted by none other than the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne. I’m not going to lie. I’m a huge fan of his music and I think his wife is one of the most adorable people in television. The show opened up with a bunch of smoke in the ring and when it finally cleared, we could see the man himself sitting on a throne with his wife Sharon standing next to him. The arena blasted his hit “Crazy Train” while the audience popped big time. Nice opening Ozzy.

For the most part, I thought Sharon and Ozzy did an excellent job. I don’t know about you, but the show was so solid that I never turned back to see how my Donny Osmond would fare in his team dance on Dancing with the Stars. Believe it or not, that’s saying a lot. The opening segment went long, as usual, but I think all the participants played their parts well. I laughed at Sharon’s interaction with Mizzy and while her “Reallys” got to be a little annoying, it wasn’t enough to kill the funny for me.

Ozzy may have had three lines the entire segment but his “Who the bloody hell are you?” gets the win in my book. If I’m not mistaken, that was directed to the Big Show. Who the hell knows? As usual we got some “vintage” DX crashing the party full of “rating’s killers”; ratings killers referring to Team Baby Oil Legacy, Big Show, and The Miz. What a way to put those guys over Hunter, but I get it. It’s all in good fun, not to mention a small reminder to who’s actually running the show.

I also got a really big kick out of DX telling Legacy that they need to be sure to get in line for Wrestlemania tickets since apparently that’s the only way they’ll get to experience one. Nice one. Some shameless book plugs and “vintage” posing later, DX made the night’s matches (Who’s running the show tonight? I could have sworn it was Ozzy…) and thus ending the first segment without destroying too many egos or shattering every one’s dreams of stardom.

Kofi Kingston

One of the matches announced for the evening was a match between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston. My initial thought was, “Are they serious?” Like seriously, I thought we were about to have one hell of a fresh new feud. Thank God for creative not being that stupid and thoughtless. Turns out the match ended up being a six-man tag team match with Team Kool-Aid (MVP and Mark Henry) joining Kofi to take on a Priceless Legacy. The match was pretty good. The crowd was certainly behind Kingston, which is a good thing considering he’s about to get a push. It’s good to know that the fans approve.

Raw’s Got Jobbers Talent

The Miz was forced to defend his belt against the one and only Evan Braun…Evan Jobber…Evan Bourne. Yeah. That sounds about right. We’ve seen this match once before but it’s always been good considering the time length. They managed to deliver once more though we already knew how it would end. Miz is good, but so is Bourne. However, if they don’t stop using him as Raw’s No. 2 jobber (Chavo taking the No. 1 spot) then he’s going to be a little more than an after thought. It’s so bad now that we’re already having trouble remembering his name.

Credit: WWE

Another fellow talent who hasn’t been faring too well lately (by lately I mean since his 2 week return from the dead) is Jamie Noble. Sheamus pretty much used him as a quick workout giving him some kind of beat down ending with a vicious power bomb to the floor. It was so bad that Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” broke out their  serious faces leading us all to believe that Sheamus beat his way through the ECW roster. Never mind the fact that he never once faced off against the champ, Captain Charisma.

And speaking of talent, apparently Raw DOES have talent. Santino bit off the head off a bat, Chris Masters found his true calling by giving us a stellar man boob performance to Ozzy’s Crazy Train, while Jillian and Chavo sung a duet that brought everyone to their feet. Well…that’s probably pushing it a bit. I don’t think you’re all that talented if one of the judges deems you worthy of a bitch slap. Thanks Sharon, because Chavo and Jillian were bloody awful!

Survivor Series

With Survivor Series being just around the corner, they had to somehow plug the epic main event and what better way to do it than with the help of Jack Sparrow…Jack Osbourne…Jack…oh hell, I’m pretty sure it was Swoggle. We get a scene with DX talking to Swoggle who just so happens to be stuck on a hook in front of DX. They are lecturing him about Shawn’s law degree and how Swoggle has to go at least two weeks without stealing their stuff. Swoggle’s response? DX crotch chops followed by a save from Superman himself, John Cena.

“Do you have any idea how long it took us to get him up there?”

Of course Cena didn’t care and thus reminded him that Swoggle’s the reason they were all fighting each other at SS. I think it’s funny how all three of them seem to be getting along. They all joked about how they’ve beaten each other and according to PG Cena, they “beat each other all the time.” (Yes folks. It was meant in THAT way.) By the end of the segment, we know that DX has the math behind them since there’s a huge possibility that one of them will walk out the WWE Champion while Cena claims he’ll have four words for them in 2 weeks. (“The champ is here” for all you slow people.)

Jerishow (Credit: WWE)

The main event was a triple threat preview match between Jerishow and Cena. DX decided to grace us with their presence by sitting ringside for commentary. Folks. I’m not going to lie to you. The commentary pretty much over shadowed the match because I could care less what was going on in the ring when DX was constantly taking shots at Vince, Cole, and Cena. I’m not sure what gets line of the night. Either Shawn’s “Shut up, Cole!” or Hunter’s “I hear voices in my head telling me to go to commercial break.” Vintage DX!

The overall show was solid and very entertaining, but I don’t think the show did too much to emphasize the big Survivor Series pay per view. I’m happy with the way they used Kofi and Randy. Kofi is looking like a strong competitor for Orton which is great. I guess Bourne was born to job while the Divas division…I can’t even think of anything witty to say about them. I’m not too sure where this whole Swagger – Eve thing is going but I bet you Swagger has better things to do besides indulge a no talent diva. (Whatever happened to him and MVP? Did I blink and it was over? And what about him and Miz?)

Once again, the WWE managed to do everything I didn’t say they would do thus throwing a wrench in all my theories. Therefore, instead of attempting to predict what could or should happen, I’m going to just tell you all to join me next week as I contemplate how to kill marks without actually getting my hands dirty all the while rambling about something or another.

–Tenechia

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